I am not Trying to Lose Weight

It is no secret that I am on the heavy side.  Obese is what medical professionals call it.  Fat is what what media calls it.  Heavy, fluffy, chunky, whatever else you can come up with, kind or not, there is always some sort of descriptor available for the extra padding that helps me float in water and the shape it gives my body.  But I have a secret...

I am not trying to lose weight!

GASP! What?  How can I like myself and be big?  Reality is, and this is something I still struggle with:  My self worth is not dependent on what the scale reads.  I am not claiming to be healthy.  I am not claiming anything.  I am simply saying that I am worth so much more than the number on the scale, or the size of pants I wear. 

I was thin at one point.  Actually, my pants size said I was thin at a size 5.  The scale said I was heavy and could stand to lose weight at 150lbs and 5'6".  I was happy, healthy, active, and had some wonderful muscle mass.  Then my health took a downward spiral.  Prednisone, that horrible steroid given for a multitude of reasons entered my system and 30lbs came on over night.  Pregnancy shortly after getting off prednisone, and who knows how many pounds I gained, but I do know I weighed 222lbs the day I gave birth.  Depression, hormonal issues including PCOS, 8 surgeries that include a hysterectomy, gall bladder removal, and two knee surgeries, and my weight continued to fluctuate.  I went up to 260lbs at my heaviest, and down to 205lbs at my lightest.  Today, I weight 223lbs.

The question I suspect you are asking is, "So if you don't want to lose weight, why do you walk so much?"  It is not that I do not want to lose weight, it is that I am not trying.  What happens happens, and I am happy.  I have lost some weight.  This spring I was up to 250lbs, but before you think it was walking that had me lose all this weight, let me correct you.  I have an allergy to dairy.  I finally pulled my head out of the sand and removed all dairy from my diet.  I lost 20lbs almost instantly.  The rest of the weight loss might be from walking.  I do know I have lost several inches around my body.  My pants no longer fit.  My breasts are large but look larger because my belly is shrinking.  My legs are more toned.  I fit into some clothes that I never imagined I would.  I am still not aiming to lose weight.  I am aiming to be active.  I enjoy walking, and the challenge of walking such long distances.  And most of all, I am walking because I can.  I have been temporarily disabled.  I have been stripped of the ability to walk, and even just bend my knee.  Someday, I will need to have a knee replacement.  Until then, I am going to enjoy my life in an activity that brings me joy, is not harmful to myself or others, is legal, and is healthy! 

Some days I am feeling self depreciating.  But I am trying to remind myself of a text I received after my first half marathon.  I had texted a friend to tell her I was alive and completed the course. 

Me:  "This fat girl did it!"
Friend: "Don't you mean FIT girl!"

This friend reminds me that I am not allowed to self depreciate, but instead, I must remember my obstacles I have overcome to get to the point where I am today.  I think everyone should remember that when they think about themselves.